OK so its been a couple of weeks now since Ray moved out. I've been so sleep deprived I've lost track of how much time has actually passed. I routinely go through my days trying no to think that come night fall he is not going to be walking through that door at any point. Its really weird but at the same time its almost like I was already prepared for this. He was never here anyways. Nothing has really changed. I'm still dealing with the girls on my own, doing everything i used to do on a daily basis. nothing has really gone undisturbed with his absence....thats actually quite disturbing.

Shouldnt a parental figure leave more of a mark? Shouldnt there be something left to be desired? I mean dont get me wrong, i do miss him...the problem is that I think there's more about him that I dont miss. I can almost breathe deeper, easier now that hes gone. When did it get like this? When did it ge to the point that he became like a noose around my neck rather then my comfort blanket that I wanted to keep by me at all times? When I remember the feelings surging through me during the first 2 years or so of our relationship...they seem like a dream. Like it happened to me in a completely different lifetime.

Almost 8 years of our lives we fought for something that in the end was in my opinion just weighing us down. I have enough weight to carry with my two girls. I need to hold them up, support them, be strong for them. I shouldnt have to be worrying about having to please anyone else and knowing that no matter what I did that person was NOT going to be pleased. There was always something, just there, like a pebble in his shoe. I could see it, I could feel it.

I think that knowing (because I truly believe this) that I have nothing to lose but everything to gain from being away from this relationship helps. I keep telling myself this over and over again. I still miss him and in a way I still need him but it's more like a bad habit that I'm trying to break away from. Haven't been able to do it cold turkey but the doses are getting weaker and weaker and I'm getting to be OK with that.

Wisdom, strength and courage are paving that road to recovery.