I wanted to write this post yesterday but for lack of time and also a little reluctance in shedding some more light into who I am, I didn't. I love to read blogs and I have found some very inspiring, amusing and all around great writers to follow through the blogosphere. One of which is Darling Nicky, a relationship blogger and pretty much everything else having to do with the human condition and behaviour. She wrote a post called I'm Rubber, You're Glue which pushed me into writing this. She states:
"One of life's most bizarre phenomenons is that often times, we spend more time worrying about what strangers think of us, rather than of what our own loved ones do."
Alot of us are guilty of this and as to where I am not like that about most things there is one thing that always keeps me back and I'm ashamed of...yes, ashamed...and thats the fact that I never even graduated high school. I have not attended any colleges or universities. I don't have any papers to frame and hang up anywhere. Dont get me wrong I can be proud of how far I've gotten without having those credentials to back me up! I have been working since I was 16 and had my time where I really enjoyed school, but once I hit high school I was just so turned off and everyday felt so stale and monotonous. I was bored. I am still like this, I get bored at work ALL the time. I dont feel challenged and I feel like a child could do my work if taught properly. This takes a giant blow to my self-esteem, to my ego and to my any sense of accomplishment I may have.
Another inspiring lady I follow @firstladyd on Twitter brought my attention to a TED video by Gavin Sheppard that was posted on yet another favourite blog 1 LOVE T.O. about creative education. I have been following Gavin's work since the MySpace days and it's so inspiring and just makes me so proud to see how far he has gotten with his vision. That vision is called The Remix Project. In the following video Gavin explains how the concept and the idea of Remix came about:
If you would like to know more about Gavin you can read his bio by clicking on his name. Hearing him speak was the last shove I needed to write this post. Gavin, like myself, doesn't have the education he would have liked to attain. Gavin. like myself, has life experiences to fall back on. Gavin, like myself, has a passion for helping others and it creates excitement in what he does to see the results of his efforts. Gavin, unlike myself, has pursued and conquered in doing this. It's horrible feeling stuck and not being able to find a way out. Alot of times it feels like I'm surrounded by people that just "settle" or perhaps like to call themselves "realists". It's great to hear my family say "You can do it!" when I tell them my ambitions and my plans but when it comes down to it everybody has their own plans and their own strifes to deal with, therefore I have to inturn be a realist and realise that I have to help MYSELF in achieving all I want to and not rely on anyone else to really be there for me. If they are GREAT! That's an added bonus but if they are not then...well...then they are not. That's it.
In order to take off and grab momentum I have decided to go for my GED. It will make me feel better so I am going to do it. If it were up to me I would study for the rest of my life! I love to learn new things and expand and push my knowledge. So that's that! I'm going to start prepping for my GED =D Wish me luck!
For a long time now I can honestly say that I've just completely given up on myself, my appearance, my ego. It has been over a year since I've had a haircut, I barely have the time to wash and style my hair. It's always up in the same tired twist or bun. I've gained so much weight all my old clothes stopped fitting me and its just depressing having to buy clothes in the double digits now. Having to get dressed to leave my house is a nightmare I have to relive everyday, its torture for me. My eyebrows look like caterpillars on my face because I don't have the time to do them myself or the money to go get them done. I haven't had a pedicure and manicure since the summer. I hate catching my reflection anywhere, it makes me cringe. I'm so homely looking it's embarrassing. The only person that can change that is me. The only one with the capability to give my self-esteem the boost it so eagerly needs is me! I have to be a little selfish and take care of myself. Make myself presentable to the world and most importantly to me. I want to be able to look in the mirror and not cringe away or feel ashamed of what I've let myself become. I'll start by writing down all the positive changes I want to see in myself and then priorotise them...perhaps it'll be a future post. We'll see.
Depression is not "one size fits all," particularly when it comes to the genders. Not only are women more prone to depression than men, but the causes of female depression and even the pattern of symptoms are often different.Many factors contribute to the unique picture of depression in women-from reproductive hormones to social pressures to the female response to stress. Learning about these factors can help you minimize your risk of depression and treat it more.
Understanding depression in women
If you’re feeling sad, guilty, tired, and just generally “down in the dumps,” you may be suffering from major depression.
Approximately 12 million women in the United States experience clinical depression each year.
About one in every eight women can expect to develop clinical depression during their lifetime.
Signs and symptoms of depression in women
The symptoms of depression in women are the same as those for major depression. Common complaints include: Depressed mood Loss of interest or pleasure in activities you used to enjoy:
Feelings of guilt, hopelessness and worthlessness
Suicidal thoughts or recurrent thoughts of death
Sleep disturbance (sleeping more or sleeping less)
Appetite and weight changes
Difficulty concentrating
Lack of energy and fatigue
Differences between male and female depression
Although the signs and symptoms of depression are the same for both men and women, women tend to experience certain symptoms more often than men. For example, seasonal affective disorder—depression in the winter months due to lower levels of sunlight—is more common in women. Also, women are more likely to experience the symptoms of atypical depression.
In atypical depression, rather than sleeping less, eating less, and losing weight, the opposite is seen: sleeping excessively, eating more (especially carbohydrates), and gaining weight. Feelings of guilt associated with depression are also more prevalent and pronounced in women. Women also have a higher incidence of thyroid problems. Since hypothyroidism can cause depression, this medical problem should always be ruled out by a physician in women who are depressed.
On a personal note
I have gone through teen depression, post partum depression and have lived in what I would qualify as major depression for the past few years of my life. I have been called a drama queen, a baby, a whiner, bitter, angry, a bitch, etc. I have been told while dealing with post partum in a very messy relationship that I was using my daughter (2nd baby) as a crutch. While dealing with depression hearing all of the criticism and hurtful words being directed towards you or even an annoyed look is the equivalentof being kicked in the ribs while you have you face in the dirt. Not cool. Depression is something that I've been dealing with for so many years and have gone untreated for it as I refuse to become dependant of nay chemical drug, medicinal or not. I've seen what it has done to my mother and it has been anything but pleasent. Before my way of dealing with all of these intense emotions I was feeling as a youth I used to write alot. Alot of poetry, all very angry and depressive poems. That was my own support system for myself as I have parents that grew up in an era and a country where the term "depression" was not heard or known of. I went from a rebellious phase in my teen years where my relationship with my parents was anything but desirable and from that I went into a relationship with the father of my kids which looking at it now, being a more seasoned woman, I can say has been disastrous. But here we are, seperated, but insistent on trying to keep it together. I know its probably doing me more harm then good and perhaps that day will come where I can just let go but until then it just seems like I'm in a sink hole and am just watching myself sink bit by bit. It is my hope that in writing here on this blog a little lightbulb will suddenly go on that will allow me to gain control of my life in a way I never have. A way that will let me grow as a mother, a career woman, a student, a human being.
OK so today I am having a really hard time dealing with my baby weight. I want it to go away! Everyone tells me that the only way that it will go away is if I work out.....my question to them is...WITH WHAT FUCKEN TIME!!!! Everyone thinks they're a fucken super genius and have an answer for everything, they like to think that they have the simplest solution to all my "bullshit" problems. As if they are the ones dealing with my day to day strife. So why is it that when I reach out for some help so that I can have some ME time, some SANE time, everyone runs for the hills or pulls something they have to do out of their gaping assholes?!?!
So to everyone that thinks that I have all the time in the world, or that I overreact over shit, or tells me that having no life is the price i have to pay for having kids, or those of you that think that I gotta strap my kids on me to go anywhere or do anything. All you motherfuckers that think that I have no reason to stress and be as miserable andfucken sour as I am:
OK so its been a couple of weeks now since Ray moved out. I've been so sleep deprived I've lost track of how much time has actually passed. I routinely go through my days trying no to think that come night fall he is not going to be walking through that door at any point. Its really weird but at the same time its almost like I was already prepared for this. He was never here anyways. Nothing has really changed. I'm still dealing with the girls on my own, doing everything i used to do on a daily basis. nothing has really gone undisturbed with his absence....thats actually quite disturbing.
Shouldnt a parental figure leave more of a mark? Shouldnt there be something left to be desired? I mean dont get me wrong, i do miss him...the problem is that I think there's more about him that I dont miss. I can almost breathe deeper, easier now that hes gone. When did it get like this? When did it ge to the point that he became like a noose around my neck rather then my comfort blanket that I wanted to keep by me at all times? When I remember the feelings surging through me during the first 2 years or so of our relationship...they seem like a dream. Like it happened to me in a completely different lifetime.
Almost 8 years of our lives we fought for something that in the end was in my opinion just weighing us down. I have enough weight to carry with my two girls. I need to hold them up, support them, be strong for them. I shouldnt have to be worrying about having to please anyone else and knowing that no matter what I did that person was NOT going to be pleased. There was always something, just there, like a pebble in his shoe. I could see it, I could feel it.
I think that knowing (because I truly believe this) that I have nothing to lose but everything to gain from being away from this relationship helps. I keep telling myself this over and over again. I still miss him and in a way I still need him but it's more like a bad habit that I'm trying to break away from. Haven't been able to do it cold turkey but the doses are getting weaker and weaker and I'm getting to be OK with that.
Wisdom, strength and courage are paving that road to recovery.
You know i cant help but feel a little foolish just starting to do this now. All the countless hours i have spent lamenting and wondering and wishing i had some way to get MY point across without any hold backs. Just be able to puke out everything that is in my twisted little mind. Blogging! Of course blogging! (sigh....stupid) I can already start seeing the challenges in being able to keep up with this and im only 4 lines in. I keep typing as my 9 month old is kicking and trying to grab her foot to tear it off, or so it appears and screams at the lack of attention on my part. My 5 year old is watching T.V while reading a book and playing with a bunch of her little toys that are sprawled out on the living room floor and is constantly complaining about being bored. Meanwhile im sitting here ignoring it all for a few minutes while enjoying my first real "meal" of the day, a nice hot bowl of Mr. Noodles. I have a sink full of dirty dishes, bottles that need to be washed and laundry to be put away.........sorry, had to take a pause to take that in and let the dizzying feeling dissipate. Where's the support you ask? Fucked if i know....probably enjoying their care free lives...(deep sigh)....i really hate people sometimes.
