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October 27, 2008

Predicament @ 5:53 PM


Ummm, like crack...yea, bad idea. Just say no.

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October 25, 2008

PMS? @ 12:05 PM

OK so today I am having a really hard time dealing with my baby weight. I want it to go away! Everyone tells me that the only way that it will go away is if I work out.....my question to them is...WITH WHAT FUCKEN TIME!!!! Everyone thinks they're a fucken super genius and have an answer for everything, they like to think that they have the simplest solution to all my "bullshit" problems. As if they are the ones dealing with my day to day strife. So why is it that when I reach out for some help so that I can have some ME time, some SANE time, everyone runs for the hills or pulls something they have to do out of their gaping assholes?!?!



So to everyone that thinks that I have all the time in the world, or that I overreact over shit, or tells me that having no life is the price i have to pay for having kids, or those of you that think that I gotta strap my kids on me to go anywhere or do anything. All you motherfuckers that think that I have no reason to stress and be as miserable and fucken sour as I am:



FUCK YOU!!!!!

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October 23, 2008

Jealousy @ 8:04 PM

Does jealousy fuel distrust or does distrust fuel jealousy?

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October 19, 2008

Now What? @ 11:08 PM


OK so its been a couple of weeks now since Ray moved out. I've been so sleep deprived I've lost track of how much time has actually passed. I routinely go through my days trying no to think that come night fall he is not going to be walking through that door at any point. Its really weird but at the same time its almost like I was already prepared for this. He was never here anyways. Nothing has really changed. I'm still dealing with the girls on my own, doing everything i used to do on a daily basis. nothing has really gone undisturbed with his absence....thats actually quite disturbing.

Shouldnt a parental figure leave more of a mark? Shouldnt there be something left to be desired? I mean dont get me wrong, i do miss him...the problem is that I think there's more about him that I dont miss. I can almost breathe deeper, easier now that hes gone. When did it get like this? When did it ge to the point that he became like a noose around my neck rather then my comfort blanket that I wanted to keep by me at all times? When I remember the feelings surging through me during the first 2 years or so of our relationship...they seem like a dream. Like it happened to me in a completely different lifetime.

Almost 8 years of our lives we fought for something that in the end was in my opinion just weighing us down. I have enough weight to carry with my two girls. I need to hold them up, support them, be strong for them. I shouldnt have to be worrying about having to please anyone else and knowing that no matter what I did that person was NOT going to be pleased. There was always something, just there, like a pebble in his shoe. I could see it, I could feel it.

I think that knowing (because I truly believe this) that I have nothing to lose but everything to gain from being away from this relationship helps. I keep telling myself this over and over again. I still miss him and in a way I still need him but it's more like a bad habit that I'm trying to break away from. Haven't been able to do it cold turkey but the doses are getting weaker and weaker and I'm getting to be OK with that.

Wisdom, strength and courage are paving that road to recovery.

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October 13, 2008

Reasons to Give Thanks @ 10:02 PM




OK so this should ideally have been where i was today but instead i spent the day at home with my two girls wishing i could just go to sleep so that tomorrow could be here already. i need to remind myself what i need to be thankful for. So in no particular order here we go:


My beautiful, healthy girls have to be number one on this list. Bitch and complain as much as i do about them they are my reason for being and very much so my reason for fighting. If it wasn't for them God knows where i would have life lead me.


My warm, cozy apartment. Always have to say thanks for the solid roof over my head. I work in a mission downtown where I'm surrounded by individuals that have no place to "go home" to. They literally walk around with their lives on their backs. I think we have a tendency of taking the four walls and roof that block out the wind, rain, snow and all other elements that are thrown at us (which here in Canada could be all of the ones listed in one day) for granted.

I have to give thanks for my health, physical and mental. I've been on the verge of deteriorating both at so many points of my life that sometimes its surprising I'm still as stable as I am.

This list can go on and on I suppose. We always tend to focus on all the negatives in our lives. All the 'what ifs?' and 'if only...'

I for one need to sit down and remember what I have and look at how blessed I am for having it. It shouldn't be something only done on a day completely dedicated to giving thanks, it should be done on a daily basis, at the start of each day. I'm sure if we all took a minute to do that it would give us a reason to get up every day, a reason to push on and strive forward.

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October 12, 2008

Wow...so blogging huh? @ 1:39 PM


You know i cant help but feel a little foolish just starting to do this now. All the countless hours i have spent lamenting and wondering and wishing i had some way to get MY point across without any hold backs. Just be able to puke out everything that is in my twisted little mind. Blogging! Of course blogging! (sigh....stupid) I can already start seeing the challenges in being able to keep up with this and im only 4 lines in. I keep typing as my 9 month old is kicking and trying to grab her foot to tear it off, or so it appears and screams at the lack of attention on my part. My 5 year old is watching T.V while reading a book and playing with a bunch of her little toys that are sprawled out on the living room floor and is constantly complaining about being bored. Meanwhile im sitting here ignoring it all for a few minutes while enjoying my first real "meal" of the day, a nice hot bowl of Mr. Noodles. I have a sink full of dirty dishes, bottles that need to be washed and laundry to be put away.........sorry, had to take a pause to take that in and let the dizzying feeling dissipate. Where's the support you ask? Fucked if i know....probably enjoying their care free lives...(deep sigh)....i really hate people sometimes.

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welcome

i've had dog day afternoons, i've stumbled and fallen on my knees it seems like all my life. its time for change. time to make dreams happen

blogs

must reads.
the legends league.

the broken heel diaries.

her lil' black book.

the segment.


archives

October 2008, November 2008, December 2008, April 2009, May 2009, June 2009, July 2009, August 2009, September 2009, October 2009, November 2009, December 2009, January 2010, February 2010, March 2010,

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