Have you ever wondered how you're going to die? I'm sure you have, everyone does. Is it going to be a quick painless death? Am I going to suffer? Will it be sickness or old age? Perhaps a tragic accident? I have been thinking about this for awhile now, I dont mean in a suicidal kind of way (we off that), moreso in a reflective manner. I analyze my life and those in it, the things I've done and would like to do. Am I happy? I'd be lying if I said yes...I'm not. I spend too much time enveloped in negativity, negativity from myself and others. There are still too many things I would like to do in my life, too many experiences I would still like to enjoy, theres too much improvement to be made to who I am still.
Everything I've mentioned is all about me, now imagine the plans and the experiences I have in mind to share and go through with my family...but sometimes I can't help but shake that feeling that it will all end sooner then I would like it to. I'm plagued with very disturbing images, noises, smells and thoughts...I've lived through very tragic scenarios without actually having physically lived them. Very few people ever really understand this so I usually keep these things to myself. I was always told I have a very vivid imagination, ever since I was a child. Could there be more to it? I dont know. The older I've gotten the darker these thoughts have become. They scare the shit out of me sometimes. OK, most times. I think my biggest fear is that these reocurring images are a way of me foreseeing something that will happen...the thought of that alone makes the hair on my body stand on end.
Alot of times I've thought that maybe these fears and these thoughts are a result of the kind of childhood I had. I was 5 years old when I came to Canada with my mom. I was seperated from everyone and everything I knew without knowing why...to this day I can still see my grandmother standing on the other side of that thick glass wall as we were walking away from her. I kept looking back until I couldnt see her anymore. I remember asking my mom where my dad was and why he wasnt going with us...he wasn't there to see us off. He joined us here 6 months later. My parents both worked nights with my aunt and uncle (they sponsored us to come to Canada), we were living in the basement of their home. I used to be left alone in that cold basement while my parents went to work their asses off and wouldnt get back until the next morning. I would be left watching TV since my cousins would lock the basement door so I couldnt go upstairs, the youngest one out of them was 5 years older then me and they all found me annoying. I remember sitting there watching TV until the broadcast would end and that incessant beeping would start. Even then I wouldnt move from how my parents left me...I would be too scared.
I would keep my feet tucked in under my nightgown because I thought someone/something would grab them. I used to see shadows dancing around me and people, big and small, poking their heads out from around corners. I would be scared to even look beside me to see if in fact there was someone standing there in my peripheral. It happened several times that I would be too scared to move, so much so that I would pee myself and sit in it until I either a) mustered up enough courage to get up, change and go lay down on the bed or b) my parents got home the next morning. The nights I would get the courage to go to bed I would lay in the middle of the bed cocooned into a blanket with my eyes darting from side to side waiting to see hands or a face pop up from the edges of the bed. I would hear breathing coming from under my bed and at times could feel someone/something scratching under it. There were very few times that I would actually make it up those basement stairs to check if they had remembered to lock the door and I would find it open, so I would creep up to my youngest cousin's room and she would let me sleep with her.
I dont hold any resentment towards my parents for this for they were immigrants and we were staying with family rent free so they felt that this was their way to repay them for bringing us here and letting us stay in their home. My parents were exploited and depressed. Winters were very difficult, we moved into a bachelor eventually and then a one bedroom apartment. I would fall asleep to the sound of the freight trains passing right beside our building, it was soothing at times, only to be woken up by screaming and yelling. My parents arguing, objects being thrown around and me waking up yelling to my dad not to touch my mom...those are my childhood memories as a newcomer here to Canada and its that same fear I feel now as an adult with my own two kids when I see these taunting, disturbing images play out infront of me.
I wanted to write this post yesterday but for lack of time and also a little reluctance in shedding some more light into who I am, I didn't. I love to read blogs and I have found some very inspiring, amusing and all around great writers to follow through the blogosphere. One of which is Darling Nicky, a relationship blogger and pretty much everything else having to do with the human condition and behaviour. She wrote a post called I'm Rubber, You're Glue which pushed me into writing this. She states:
"One of life's most bizarre phenomenons is that often times, we spend more time worrying about what strangers think of us, rather than of what our own loved ones do."
Alot of us are guilty of this and as to where I am not like that about most things there is one thing that always keeps me back and I'm ashamed of...yes, ashamed...and thats the fact that I never even graduated high school. I have not attended any colleges or universities. I don't have any papers to frame and hang up anywhere. Dont get me wrong I can be proud of how far I've gotten without having those credentials to back me up! I have been working since I was 16 and had my time where I really enjoyed school, but once I hit high school I was just so turned off and everyday felt so stale and monotonous. I was bored. I am still like this, I get bored at work ALL the time. I dont feel challenged and I feel like a child could do my work if taught properly. This takes a giant blow to my self-esteem, to my ego and to my any sense of accomplishment I may have.
Another inspiring lady I follow @firstladyd on Twitter brought my attention to a TED video by Gavin Sheppard that was posted on yet another favourite blog 1 LOVE T.O. about creative education. I have been following Gavin's work since the MySpace days and it's so inspiring and just makes me so proud to see how far he has gotten with his vision. That vision is called The Remix Project. In the following video Gavin explains how the concept and the idea of Remix came about:
If you would like to know more about Gavin you can read his bio by clicking on his name. Hearing him speak was the last shove I needed to write this post. Gavin, like myself, doesn't have the education he would have liked to attain. Gavin. like myself, has life experiences to fall back on. Gavin, like myself, has a passion for helping others and it creates excitement in what he does to see the results of his efforts. Gavin, unlike myself, has pursued and conquered in doing this. It's horrible feeling stuck and not being able to find a way out. Alot of times it feels like I'm surrounded by people that just "settle" or perhaps like to call themselves "realists". It's great to hear my family say "You can do it!" when I tell them my ambitions and my plans but when it comes down to it everybody has their own plans and their own strifes to deal with, therefore I have to inturn be a realist and realise that I have to help MYSELF in achieving all I want to and not rely on anyone else to really be there for me. If they are GREAT! That's an added bonus but if they are not then...well...then they are not. That's it.
In order to take off and grab momentum I have decided to go for my GED. It will make me feel better so I am going to do it. If it were up to me I would study for the rest of my life! I love to learn new things and expand and push my knowledge. So that's that! I'm going to start prepping for my GED =D Wish me luck!
Why do we do it? Why must we always want riches and fame, glory and power? We are never satisfied with what we have and the things we have accomplished. We are greedy beings, always wanting more and more...but I ask you why? Say you make $1 million in your lifetime, you know once you reach that you will want to double it. You get promoted at your job, you'll work towards another promotion to climb the ladder. You wear the latest fashion, you'll want next seasons trends and the next and the next. When was the last time you pushed yourself to be an all around better person towards your fellow man? All we want is more, more, more, for me, me, me. I grew up watching Disney movies and as I had this random thought go through my head this was the very first song i related to what I'm trying to put down into words here.
Depression is not "one size fits all," particularly when it comes to the genders. Not only are women more prone to depression than men, but the causes of female depression and even the pattern of symptoms are often different.Many factors contribute to the unique picture of depression in women-from reproductive hormones to social pressures to the female response to stress. Learning about these factors can help you minimize your risk of depression and treat it more.
Understanding depression in women
If you’re feeling sad, guilty, tired, and just generally “down in the dumps,” you may be suffering from major depression.
Approximately 12 million women in the United States experience clinical depression each year.
About one in every eight women can expect to develop clinical depression during their lifetime.
Signs and symptoms of depression in women
The symptoms of depression in women are the same as those for major depression. Common complaints include: Depressed mood Loss of interest or pleasure in activities you used to enjoy:
Feelings of guilt, hopelessness and worthlessness
Suicidal thoughts or recurrent thoughts of death
Sleep disturbance (sleeping more or sleeping less)
Appetite and weight changes
Difficulty concentrating
Lack of energy and fatigue
Differences between male and female depression
Although the signs and symptoms of depression are the same for both men and women, women tend to experience certain symptoms more often than men. For example, seasonal affective disorder—depression in the winter months due to lower levels of sunlight—is more common in women. Also, women are more likely to experience the symptoms of atypical depression.
In atypical depression, rather than sleeping less, eating less, and losing weight, the opposite is seen: sleeping excessively, eating more (especially carbohydrates), and gaining weight. Feelings of guilt associated with depression are also more prevalent and pronounced in women. Women also have a higher incidence of thyroid problems. Since hypothyroidism can cause depression, this medical problem should always be ruled out by a physician in women who are depressed.
On a personal note
I have gone through teen depression, post partum depression and have lived in what I would qualify as major depression for the past few years of my life. I have been called a drama queen, a baby, a whiner, bitter, angry, a bitch, etc. I have been told while dealing with post partum in a very messy relationship that I was using my daughter (2nd baby) as a crutch. While dealing with depression hearing all of the criticism and hurtful words being directed towards you or even an annoyed look is the equivalentof being kicked in the ribs while you have you face in the dirt. Not cool. Depression is something that I've been dealing with for so many years and have gone untreated for it as I refuse to become dependant of nay chemical drug, medicinal or not. I've seen what it has done to my mother and it has been anything but pleasent. Before my way of dealing with all of these intense emotions I was feeling as a youth I used to write alot. Alot of poetry, all very angry and depressive poems. That was my own support system for myself as I have parents that grew up in an era and a country where the term "depression" was not heard or known of. I went from a rebellious phase in my teen years where my relationship with my parents was anything but desirable and from that I went into a relationship with the father of my kids which looking at it now, being a more seasoned woman, I can say has been disastrous. But here we are, seperated, but insistent on trying to keep it together. I know its probably doing me more harm then good and perhaps that day will come where I can just let go but until then it just seems like I'm in a sink hole and am just watching myself sink bit by bit. It is my hope that in writing here on this blog a little lightbulb will suddenly go on that will allow me to gain control of my life in a way I never have. A way that will let me grow as a mother, a career woman, a student, a human being.
I miss my home, my family. I miss where I'm from. Sitting on my grandmother's front porch and watching people pass by to run their errands but they still take the time to yell out a hello or good afternoon, hearing the the sound of the horse drawn carriages and wagons as they approach, seeing people carousel a bike to get from point A to point B. I miss the breeze that hits your face when you sit in the shade of a tree. You can sit anywhere and people will always make it a point to at least give you a nod of the head. People in my town are known as the 'Come Mangos' translation 'Mango Eaters'. Mango trees line the streets and there are fields where mangoes grow as far as the eye could see. I have very fond childhood memories of climbing those trees and swinging from branch to branch in conquest of the biggest juiciest mango I could find.
I miss where I'm from. I miss the cobblestone streets, the colonial church in the centre of town. You can see the volcanoe so clear from the street of the millionaires. Sometimes it decides to hide behind clouds but its majestic base is still there, like a reminder to all of the sleeping giant that may awaken at any given moment. No matter how long you're away from your birthplace, how long its been since all your senses have been awaken by all the sounds and smells from that little piece of heaven, it will always be Home. You will always have the sense of belonging and familiarity. I miss it so much it hurts sometimes. Would you like to see where I'm from? It's one of the most beautiful places on Earth, it's my Home. Look:
Our church with its battle scars from a long war
San Juan del Sur
The entrance to the cemetery. Alot of historical figures are buried here.
The marketplace
Iglesia San Pedro after her facelift. Isn't she beautiful?
When was the last time you took in a landscape? I mean a REAL landscape? Everywhere we look all we see are buildings, people rushing and cars, buses, trucks, etc. zooming by us. People don't even look each other in the face anymore (unless its to screwface someone). We are so unaware of how beautiful this wonderful is, so unaware that we dont care or even think about how we're destroying it. The whole idea of being Eco friendly has just become yet another marketing agenda and another platform for political debate. It does not matter what your political stand, or religious beliefs are. Point of the matter is that we have ONE Earth, one HOME to leave behind to our children and our children's children. Let's look past the end of our noses, past the mad dashes to get from one place to the next and take in the beauty that is there...do you see it? Look a little further...here, let me show you:
We do not inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children. ~ Native American Proverb
There is much to be said about a simple embrace, so much that it just loses its simplicity! As i went outside for a little stretch at work I saw a lady hugging what looked like her grandson or son (some women just wait too damn long to start poppin them kids out, u hear me?). They were too far for me to tell but it looked like she was crying, she wasn't crying before they hugged, she started crying once they embraced. So as I stood there watching this (yea yea, I need to mind my bizzness) I started thinking of all the times that has happened to me. You know those times where you're hard fighting to keep those tears back but as soon as someone comes in for the hug and you feel those arms around u and that chest to chest, or head to chest i guess depending how short you are (second one applies better to me) you just let go? Cant hold back. Its such a sense of release.
To think that there are people in this world that cant experience this simple, yet complex exchange of human contact. There are children out there that will never experience the embrace of a mother, father or sibling. People that only experience a touch through violence and pain.
So I'm laying here feeling like the biggest piece of shit for a mother. I'm always talking about how I feel like my kids are on loan to me and my biggest fear is that they will be taken away from me very suddenly but reflecting on how I treat them sometimes you would think they are more of an annoyance, inconvenience...especially my oldest.
I'm crying writing this right now...I love her so much...been through so much since the moment I found out I was going to have her. I need to apologize to my daughter for the way I act towards her sometimes and the way I speak to her...
I can't keep writing anymore... Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry
Considering that just about everything i write about is all sadness and gloom and how horrible this world is i figured I would take the time to show you just how beautiful it can be as well. Within all the violence, all the injustice and inequity that happens each and everyday we fail to see past the end of our noses at the most beautiful thing that surrounds us all. NATURE.
Nature has a way of captivating just about anyone. The colours, the light, the sounds...the sense of peace one sunset can bring. The way a bird's song can make you forget, even if it is for just a second, whatever you're going through at that point and time. The world around us is one big canvas and there is no better artist then the hand that made it all. Wether you're a painter, a musician or a poet. A muse that all artists have in common is Mother Nature herself. Close your eyes and you can hear her, visualise her, feel her.
Her moods are just as tangled as yours. One minute she is experiencing pure bliss, the next she can be as glum and sad as you and that can suddenly turn into a vicious lash of wind and fury.
Here are some pictures of my favourite season in my favourite city. I love Toronto.
A Canon piece seemed suitable for the mood I was in walking around High Park seeing the rays of the setting sun seep through coulours of white, green, yellow and leaving its trail of gold on the face of the serene lake like a bride with her veil trailing behind her.
