Have you ever wondered how you're going to die? I'm sure you have, everyone does. Is it going to be a quick painless death? Am I going to suffer? Will it be sickness or old age? Perhaps a tragic accident? I have been thinking about this for awhile now, I dont mean in a suicidal kind of way (we off that), moreso in a reflective manner. I analyze my life and those in it, the things I've done and would like to do. Am I happy? I'd be lying if I said yes...I'm not. I spend too much time enveloped in negativity, negativity from myself and others. There are still too many things I would like to do in my life, too many experiences I would still like to enjoy, theres too much improvement to be made to who I am still.
Everything I've mentioned is all about me, now imagine the plans and the experiences I have in mind to share and go through with my family...but sometimes I can't help but shake that feeling that it will all end sooner then I would like it to. I'm plagued with very disturbing images, noises, smells and thoughts...I've lived through very tragic scenarios without actually having physically lived them. Very few people ever really understand this so I usually keep these things to myself. I was always told I have a very vivid imagination, ever since I was a child. Could there be more to it? I dont know. The older I've gotten the darker these thoughts have become. They scare the shit out of me sometimes. OK, most times. I think my biggest fear is that these reocurring images are a way of me foreseeing something that will happen...the thought of that alone makes the hair on my body stand on end.
Alot of times I've thought that maybe these fears and these thoughts are a result of the kind of childhood I had. I was 5 years old when I came to Canada with my mom. I was seperated from everyone and everything I knew without knowing why...to this day I can still see my grandmother standing on the other side of that thick glass wall as we were walking away from her. I kept looking back until I couldnt see her anymore. I remember asking my mom where my dad was and why he wasnt going with us...he wasn't there to see us off. He joined us here 6 months later. My parents both worked nights with my aunt and uncle (they sponsored us to come to Canada), we were living in the basement of their home. I used to be left alone in that cold basement while my parents went to work their asses off and wouldnt get back until the next morning. I would be left watching TV since my cousins would lock the basement door so I couldnt go upstairs, the youngest one out of them was 5 years older then me and they all found me annoying. I remember sitting there watching TV until the broadcast would end and that incessant beeping would start. Even then I wouldnt move from how my parents left me...I would be too scared.
I would keep my feet tucked in under my nightgown because I thought someone/something would grab them. I used to see shadows dancing around me and people, big and small, poking their heads out from around corners. I would be scared to even look beside me to see if in fact there was someone standing there in my peripheral. It happened several times that I would be too scared to move, so much so that I would pee myself and sit in it until I either a) mustered up enough courage to get up, change and go lay down on the bed or b) my parents got home the next morning. The nights I would get the courage to go to bed I would lay in the middle of the bed cocooned into a blanket with my eyes darting from side to side waiting to see hands or a face pop up from the edges of the bed. I would hear breathing coming from under my bed and at times could feel someone/something scratching under it. There were very few times that I would actually make it up those basement stairs to check if they had remembered to lock the door and I would find it open, so I would creep up to my youngest cousin's room and she would let me sleep with her.
I dont hold any resentment towards my parents for this for they were immigrants and we were staying with family rent free so they felt that this was their way to repay them for bringing us here and letting us stay in their home. My parents were exploited and depressed. Winters were very difficult, we moved into a bachelor eventually and then a one bedroom apartment. I would fall asleep to the sound of the freight trains passing right beside our building, it was soothing at times, only to be woken up by screaming and yelling. My parents arguing, objects being thrown around and me waking up yelling to my dad not to touch my mom...those are my childhood memories as a newcomer here to Canada and its that same fear I feel now as an adult with my own two kids when I see these taunting, disturbing images play out infront of me.
Ok so I had to change the name up a bit considering that Christmas came and went already, but the list must go on. This is a preview of my next post. The next item on my list would be cosmetic surgery. Yup, going under the knife for the sake of beauty. Yea yea say what you want, its superficial blah blah blah. If you had the money to do it you would or have already for some of you. I wouldnt touch my face though. I hate seeing girls with fake lips or uneven eyes. I would go all out with the body though.
Things don't look quite the same after having 2 kids and I've never been too happy with the way my body looks, even prior to the kids, mind you now I WISH I still looked like that! The worst thing for me is my tummy so first on the list would be a tummy tuck. Lets face it, sometimes exercise just isnt enough:
I would be more then content with my stomach looking like this. Ab definition can be worked on.
Next would be the liposuction to get those pesky little back rolls (dont judge, the second kid did a number on me) and get rid of that damn thigh rub that makes me think over whether I want to wear a dress, skirt or shorts. I wonder what its like for these bow legged bitches to not know what the hell it feels like for their thighs to rub together.
On to the next one! Now why waste all that fat that will be sucked out?? We are living in eco-friendly times right so in order for there to be less human waste lets use it! How a bout a Brazilian Butt Lift? A Brazilian Butt Lift has a natural feel because you're using your own natural body fat, much better then implants. With Fat Grafting you get two body contouring procedures in one.
Now as much as I am willing to do this stuff to myself I'm not too sure about implants, breast implants. All of the procedures I've mentioned have involved me reducing and reusing my own fat and tissues, none require me to insert and vessel any foreign objects in my body. So I would be ok with smaller breasts as long as they look nice and a little perkier, so a little breast lift would suffice.
Alot of people might think me crazy, alot of people might consider me vain, even insecure. Perhaps they are all right to some effect. The only thing I am certain of is that I am tired of looking away from the reflection in my mirror. I'm tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin and at times feeling like I just want to rip it off. I was always the chubby one between my cousins, always felt like the chubby one between friends even though I wasn't. I have never felt happy with myself and after bearing two kids it has been not just a physically draining experience but also an emotional and mental battle within myself to learn how to wear the stretch marks proudly, which I've learned to do but when I know there's extra baggage I'm carrying around that makes my clothes not fit me right or makes people (men and women alike) look past me at the pretty, svelte girl behind me then it takes a huge toll on my self esteem. I guess I've just always wondered what it would be like to be the girl that turns heads.
I wanted to write this post yesterday but for lack of time and also a little reluctance in shedding some more light into who I am, I didn't. I love to read blogs and I have found some very inspiring, amusing and all around great writers to follow through the blogosphere. One of which is Darling Nicky, a relationship blogger and pretty much everything else having to do with the human condition and behaviour. She wrote a post called I'm Rubber, You're Glue which pushed me into writing this. She states:
"One of life's most bizarre phenomenons is that often times, we spend more time worrying about what strangers think of us, rather than of what our own loved ones do."
Alot of us are guilty of this and as to where I am not like that about most things there is one thing that always keeps me back and I'm ashamed of...yes, ashamed...and thats the fact that I never even graduated high school. I have not attended any colleges or universities. I don't have any papers to frame and hang up anywhere. Dont get me wrong I can be proud of how far I've gotten without having those credentials to back me up! I have been working since I was 16 and had my time where I really enjoyed school, but once I hit high school I was just so turned off and everyday felt so stale and monotonous. I was bored. I am still like this, I get bored at work ALL the time. I dont feel challenged and I feel like a child could do my work if taught properly. This takes a giant blow to my self-esteem, to my ego and to my any sense of accomplishment I may have.
Another inspiring lady I follow @firstladyd on Twitter brought my attention to a TED video by Gavin Sheppard that was posted on yet another favourite blog 1 LOVE T.O. about creative education. I have been following Gavin's work since the MySpace days and it's so inspiring and just makes me so proud to see how far he has gotten with his vision. That vision is called The Remix Project. In the following video Gavin explains how the concept and the idea of Remix came about:
If you would like to know more about Gavin you can read his bio by clicking on his name. Hearing him speak was the last shove I needed to write this post. Gavin, like myself, doesn't have the education he would have liked to attain. Gavin. like myself, has life experiences to fall back on. Gavin, like myself, has a passion for helping others and it creates excitement in what he does to see the results of his efforts. Gavin, unlike myself, has pursued and conquered in doing this. It's horrible feeling stuck and not being able to find a way out. Alot of times it feels like I'm surrounded by people that just "settle" or perhaps like to call themselves "realists". It's great to hear my family say "You can do it!" when I tell them my ambitions and my plans but when it comes down to it everybody has their own plans and their own strifes to deal with, therefore I have to inturn be a realist and realise that I have to help MYSELF in achieving all I want to and not rely on anyone else to really be there for me. If they are GREAT! That's an added bonus but if they are not then...well...then they are not. That's it.
In order to take off and grab momentum I have decided to go for my GED. It will make me feel better so I am going to do it. If it were up to me I would study for the rest of my life! I love to learn new things and expand and push my knowledge. So that's that! I'm going to start prepping for my GED =D Wish me luck!
